Montanya Middle School declares the book dead!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: June 18, 2011

At a faculty meeting on June 17, 2011, Montanya Middle School made a bold declaration that will change the face of education forever – the book as a learning tool has been declared dead. This new policy begins July 1st and will be used to guide how teachers can spend professional development stipends.

“Print media is dead,” declared administration. The school is discontinuing contracts with copier companies, a move designed to save $40,000 a year. “Parents need to attend every informational event. Time-shifting content delivery is too easy on the audience – real learning occurs when the recipient is willing to suffer and overcome inconvenience.”

The announcement has been met with awe by other schools across the country. Most educational institutions echo David T. Ellwood, Dean of Harvard Kennedy School, “How did the school come to such a bold realization?” The decision came from a radical shift in thinking – “We’ve realized that our accountant consultants really have their fingers on the pulse of education,” reported one administrator. “This revolution won’t stop with books, our cleaning service will be making technology purchasing decisions next year, and the lady at the Greek restaurant next door will be on the hiring committee for a Director of Outdoor Programming.”

Publishers are scrambling to rework their business models to create a medium that will retain teachers in accordance with the announcement. Penguin has announced new technology that would allow a book to “erase” itself after one read. “Lecture models with little time for Q&A are clearly the future of information transmission, we hope that our future products will prevent teachers from referring back to information once it has been conveyed,” said Pengin’s Senior VP of Research Development.

Teachers have responded with approval. “I really love leaving my classroom to an underpaid substitute while I spend $300 to fly to a one-day conference,” said a mid-career technology teacher. “I’ve been looking for ways to increase my carbon footprint and spend less time with my family, and Montanya Middle School’s commitment to devalue the written word is really helping me grow as an educator.”

As books are recognized as an inefficient and worthless method of learning, the school will immediately halt any further purchase of textbooks. That money will be reallocated and spend on gasoline so that students can have quality learning experiences. “I love listening to the elderly volunteer docent at the Museum of History and Information,” said one 6th grade student. “Her spittle on my face makes it a really interactive experience.”

The business model makes sense to Terry Pratchett, celebrated author of the teen novel, Nation, “why would a school want to spend $240 on a classroom set of books when I can charge $2000 to speak for $25 minutes?” Beyond the devaluation of the written word, students will receive the added benefit of watching the author work through any sickness, lack of sleep, or poor presentation skills.

For more information on the information revolution, please follow new school policy and avoid written word. Face-to-face meetings are the only true form of education. If you call, you’ll be placed in the endless loop of our VoiceMail system that was designed by our insurance company.

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